there's our catastrophe

I don’t know, I guess I just used to have a lot of social anxiety, like, literally paralysing social anxiety, and with time I’ve come to see that my anxiety twisted my view of the world such that I used to think people were being way more contemptuous than they were, but also that I probably deserved it for being a loser.  actually they didn’t devote much thought to me because they had a lot more going on than I ever realised.  actually I was just a scared sad kid who was a bit arrogant and narcissistic sometimes but was trying really hard.  now that my brain isn’t trying to kill me I can have a lot more compassion for everyone in that situation. 

I love my mum a lot.  She knows a lot about literature, history, beating bureaucracy, and how to be welcoming and friendly to people.  These are some of the things I care the most about.  It makes me uncomfortable when people are super vicious about their mums having bad politics or whatever — men especially.  I’m not impressed by it.  A lot of my friends would say “yeah but your mum is awesome” but you think she’s awesome mainly because I’m always telling you about cool things that she says and does and I know about them because I listen.  I used to be very condescending to my mum.  Now I know that she knows a lot that I don’t so I should chill with that attitude.  Sometimes she is wrong, I think, but we learn from each other.  Mums know a lot, usually.  I’ve gotten a lot smarter since I started paying more attention to what she says, that’s for 100% definite. 

I badly want kids, mostly because I like kids, but also because I’m more and more committed to, you know, mothers, babies, the future.  I’m scared of being tied to the father or sending myself broke with artificial insemination, though.  I’d like to co-parent with my best friend, but I don’t think that’s more radical than raising children with a partner, I just think it would be more right for me.  Sometimes I feel ready to have a child right now, sometimes I feel like I’ll never be able to deal with how hard it will be.  It’s not the right time but no time is ever going to be the right time, probably.  I know it will cut me off from a lot of stuff, but at the same time, I’m increasingly ready to let go of scenes and movements that don’t have time for mothers and children.  This all seems pretty remote at this point, pretty hypothetical.  I might not ever be able to have kids. 

I always get really into those “most women are wearing the wrong size bra!” sites because they promise such life-changing transformations

the thing they usually say is that most women are wearing too big a band, and, correspondingly, too small a cup, because we think that a size 14 in shirts must mean a size 14/36 band, when that’s not really how bras or breasts or bodies work, and most women, I guess the assumption is, have small bones, where bulk exists it’s made mostly of flesh

but I’m nearly six feet tall with a broad back, I often don’t fit into otherwise perfectly fitting dresses because my ribcage is too broad, so it seems like I’m not one of the vast hordes of women wearing a too-big band, I’ve done the measurements, I’ve been fitted, I’m definitely a 36, cup size varying depending on weight fluctuation, menstrual cycle, etc

I promise you I exist, I was so disappointed

I’m cut off from the bra blogosphere’s radical transformative project :(

an unknown number texted me to ask if the room in our house was still available (it’s not) and then started trying to pick me up and cracked it when I was like “please don’t” and then called me mean and vain

this is why girls don’t put their phone number on the internet